Andrea Karshan's Articles, Jewish, Relationships

How Some Jews Make Dating Difficult

Never have I ever been so frustrated about dating as I am now. The Jewish dating scene is unbelievably tough. I used to think it was just me. I thought I couldn’t get dates because I don’t want to have children, or I am not skinny enough, or I don’t have a good enough job, or because I am a convert.

But then soon I learned it isn’t just me that wasn’t”good enough to get dates.” I met people who were beautiful, thin, successful, fertile, had great Yichus,etc. They had all their i’s dotted and t’s crossed still they were dateless and/or unmarried.

I thought what is wrong with this picture? Why are these people still single?

And then I saw what was going on in the Jewish dating scene. I saw most Jews I know making every excuse they could to NOT go on a date with someone. Meaning they would find something wrong with them, even before meeting them. Before even setting up a first date, so many questions are raised about the potential date’s worthiness for a date. These potential dates seem to go through more scrutiny than someone trying to get top secret clearance for the US government (I know I am exaggerating. But the scrutiny is ridiculous.) I always wondered to myself why don’t people just give each other a chance. What’s the worst thing that can happen if they meet for coffee in a public place? It is a really big deal just to arrange a coffee date. In addition to that there are also additional struggles the Jewish community has when it comes to dating:

• The Jewish dating pool is a small one. Smaller than the Muslim and Christian dating pool is. That makes finding a mate more difficult if a Jew is looking for another partner who is Jewish.

• Some Jews are unrealistic about themselves and others when they date. They feel they are all that and everyone else isn’t. Newsflash: You aren’t all that. Everyone is flawed, and so are you.

• In addition to people being unrealistic about themselves & others, people are constantly trying to date someone who is “out of their league “. Often your vision of who your mate should be doesn’t match up with reality. For example, the 50-year-old man who constantly chases after 25-year-olds. It may be a nice dream, but the reality is it probably isn’t going to happen.

• Lashon Hara – There is gossip about everyone going around. We can’t escape it. And chances are if you are dating someone, SOMEONE has something negative to say about it. And since the Jewish community is small and close-knit, word travels fast, and reputations are ruined easily.

• Everyone is looking for a “trophy wife” or a “trophy husband”-In other words, your future spouse has not just to be pleasing to you, but also your friends, your family, and the entire community. It is hard to find someone who meets that requirement.

The struggles that Jews have in dating has led some Jews to either intermarry because finding a Jewish spouse was just too difficult or hold out for a Jewish partner and stay single for years on end.  It saddens me when I see people who have spent years, if not most of their adult lives single, never having a long-term relationship or marrying. I know that some people have a hard time with relationships. But I also think that the Jewish dating scene is an unfair one. And I truly believe that if it were more like dating in the secular world, that some of these Jewish singles would not be single today. The bottom line is we Jews have major meshugas when it comes to dating. And our meshugas is really hurting the Jewish people because it is causing fewer Jews to get married and fewer Jews to marry Jews.

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